Friday, July 22, 2005

Peter, Peter, Peter

I love you. I really do. You know more about baseball than anyone else on TV. You might be one of the most knowledgeable men of our time. We all know that you are required to report about all the teams fairly, but you are a Sox fan. You grew up a Sox fan and you remain a Sox fan. It is in your blood. I love watching you on baseball Tonight, especially when you are contradicting that fat ass John Kruk. I look at your preseason reports to help me pick my fantasy team and many times one of your prospects has helped me out. I hung on to Johan Santana last year on your suggestion and he ended up winning the Cy Young award. Thanks for that. But for the love of God what the hell are you doing in this picture. It is embarrassing enough that Bronson Arroyo is making CD's and recruiting fellow teammates to help him out. Dirty Water was just fine when the Standells did it, Bronson is pushing it a little. Then there was Johnny Damon taking the stage with some Detroit band before the home run derby. Johnny doesn't realize that we get it, he has long hair, he thinks he is a rock star, but he cannot sing. We all know it. His is having an amazing season so we can forgive him for his off field ridiculousness. But Peter, not you too! I know that this is for charity. I know that it raising a ton of money. But you look like you forgot your metamucil this morning. Seriously. You probably think that it helps to have Wake standing behind you doing his best Tim McGraw impression, but it doesn't. It just makes you look like some old guy that jumped the stage at the county fair. You are the best baseball commentator of your generation, stop with the Marty McFly routine. Please. On behave of the rest of the Red Sox Nation, stop. Just stop.


NTS said...

I love Wake in the background wearing the hat stolen from the dressing rooms of Coyote Ugly 2 - Tim, you are almost 40, show some dignity and at least put some rhinestones on that thing. It's one thing for Bronson Arroyo to make a little extra cash covering every bad early 90's grunge band - up next, Arroyo covers Candlebox and the Meat Puppets - but it's another for him to thrust Lenny DiNardo on us at the same time. Lenny should be happy doing karaoke night in Pawtucket. Gammons, on the other hand, is a funny guy. He is like your old, old, had his floppy gullet surgically tucked in uncle trying to be hip (will that be me someday? Cate, say it ain't so). Whenever Gammons pulls out one of his "Johan Santana's fastball reminds me of Mark Knopler's blistering guitar solo from side two of Live Alchemy" or "Vlad Guerrero's season can only be compared to Pearl Jam's brilliant "Vs." with that last home run reminding me of the classic "Dissident," or better yet "If you haven't bought Susan Tedeschi's new live album to listen to while you are flying cross-country covering baseball, you should resign your status as a human being," it reminds me why I love the guy. Peter King should take note and stop talking about freakin' Starbucks and at least talk about music. Gammo, don't you go changin'.

number4of5 said...

Lenny DiNardo should just feel lucky that he has a job, forget about the karaoke.

I was not expecting such a strong defense of Gammons. I guess I have not been reading between the lines correctly on Uncle Pete's columns. I thought that he was refering to Carly Simon's new album. Shit, and I already downloaded it from iTunes. Oh, well. I have to say NTS, if you do someday become that crazy Uncle you would be wise to take one nod from Gammons and keep wearing the Thomas Pink shirts. At least you can be stylish while making an ass of yourself. I would also recommend replacing one Tim for the younger version that we know and love. I think our model could pull of the rhinestones and make you feel more vibrant.

Glad to see that my most faithful reader has finally added his 10 cents!

NTS said...

I was waiting for either a photograph of Tim McGraw or a reference to Back to the Future to make my first comment... luckily, I got both.

Lobsterman said...

Damn I read that title and I thought that blog was going to be you confessing your undying love for me! I am SOL.