Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Bah Humbug

Cancel Christmas. I am taking down my tree. I am returning all of the presents I bought and hiding all the wrapping paper. In the next few days I plan on spreading as much angst and doom as one person can possibly share in this season of hope and joy. Do not wish me Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, or Jolly Fucking Kwanza, I might jam some mistletoe down your throat if you do. I want every single person on this planet to feel as absolutely miserable as I do right now, because Johnny Damon just signed with the Yankees. Johnny Damon just signed with the Yankees. JOHNNY DAMON JUST SIGNED WITH THE YANKEES!!! The hatred that I feel towards the New York Yankees is unquantifiable. Scientists have attempted to measure it, but they have not been able to find anything remotely comparable. In my lifetime I want to watch George Steinbrenner get knocked off the Charles bridge by an nonstriking MBTA bus driver. I want to see Brian Cashman's mother get hit by lightning. I want Johnny Damon's stupid slutty ass wife Michelle to be mobbed by a gang of BU undergrads who will rip out her fake tits with their bare hands.

My biggest problem right now is that I cannot decide who I am most angry at. Is it the Yankees for being their life spoiling selves? Or the Boston Red Sox for letting this happen? They did not have to let this happen.

If I see Manny Ramirez's name mentioned one more time in a potential trade deal so help me God there will be blood shed.

6 comments:

darprice said...

Feel better? That was quite the rant. Mind you, not blaming you for it under the circumstances, but just saying.

Lenman said...

Yowch. Tough blog post. I didn't know how much Boston decimated their roster over the last two years until watching SportsCenter right now. Like I said before, sports team management will always leave us wondering what they were thinking when things like this happen.

...don't take down your tree!!!

number4of5 said...

I really want to feel better and I wish that this post could have helped. The vision of my beloved Johnny in pinstipes is very hard to swallow.

The tree is still up. I have turned to burning small effigies of Larry Luccino to keep warm.

allison said...

I actually saw that on the ESPN ticker and almost fell off the treadmill.

Blasphemy, I tell you.

Numero Uno said...

Hopefully this burst, and the fact you have sufficiently reprogramed your neice ("Santa is not coming to Johnny Damon's house this year because he plays for the Yankees") is making you feel a little better.........

Houseboy said...

And JD's new football Giants got their A's kicked today.