I can say with great certainty, after 4 years of knowing you, that your most annoying attribute may be how frustratingly photogenic you are. I have hundreds of pictures of you, and even in situations where you should look stupid, you look fine. Now I know your Mom thinks you should be a male model, but not in 10,000 years, or in any alternate universe, is that what I am implying. I am just saying that at times when the exact same photo of me would look like I had a debilitating illness, you look OK. Like here for example:
And here...(the faces of the innocent have been removed)
...you look silly, you have some bad early nineties hair, but this isn't the type of horrid photo I was going for.
Lastly, even in drag you don't look as bad as you should.
Where did you get that wig?
After thirty years of life on this earth I know there must be embarrassing photos of you out there. Photos that make you cringe in horror, photos that would make your mother deny her role in your birth, photos that belong in my conniving little hands. So friends and family of Dave, I know you are out there with the goods that I so longingly covet. Email me, I will make you an offer you can't refuse.
As for you Mr. Houseboy...you got off easy this time around. Consider it a gift.
Now let's go ride some roller coasters to celebrate your birth...