Saturday, September 30, 2006

Til' Tuesday

Up until last Tuesday I have been dealing really well with the fact that I AM TURNING THIRTY NEXT WEEK! The truth is that you could not pay me enough money to go back to being twenty, or twenty five. Yes, I was young. Yes, I had my whole life ahead of me. Yes, I had less wrinkles. Blah, blah, blah. But I think back on my twenty year old self and realize that I was so confused, and so unsure of myself. With every year that has passed I spend less time doing things that don't matter to me, and more time focusing on the things that do. I can also now pinpoint what I want to spend the rest of my time doing, or what the focus of that time will be. At twenty I had all sorts of ideas of how I wanted my life to be, and some of them were good. But at thirty, I know my life is good. I know that I am blessed with many, many people that care about me and love me. I travel a lot, I have experienced adventures of various kinds, I see my peeps as often as I can, and I have even found someone to do all these fun things with me. I have been dealt a really, really good hand.

But, back to Tuesday. I was standing outside my office, talking to a coworker (Hi Kelly!) and we were discussing my birthday plans. Somewhere in that conversation she asked me what day of the week my birthday is on. Right between the Tue and the sday, the weight of a thousand Yankees fans came slamming down on my shoulders. It was at that point in time that I actually realized I was turning thirty, and that I was spending my last Tuesday as twenty something. H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P. All of my thoughts and feelings about thirty being better than twenty actually shot into the air at breakneck lighting speed, and collided full force with the fact that even if I live a long and healthy life, it is one third over! There were sparks.

So it isn't the getting older that bothers me. It is that there is an end to this ride, and I am getting closer to it. Maybe only by inches, but still closer. Now having sensed that I had taken this massive left turn, and may not be returning for a while to the land where normal people are allowed to function in society, Dave took matters into his own hands. He went out and bought me some therapy. Yes, therapy. Therapy in the form of a shiny little green gift card with the letters JCrew written on the front. Retail therapy. At my favorite store. Brilliant. This may seem very nice of him, but I think it is only to prevent the massive breakdown that would happen on Tuesday morning, when we go to do fun things for my birthday, and I start another total brain melt because I have nothing to wear. He is smarter than he lets on.

So after a night of therapy, I feel a lot better. How could I not feel better? I bought a few outfits, and I even got a pair of skinny jeans! It is like I am back in the 80's and ten years old again. Which for right now, is a lot better that being closer to dead.


Big Kahuna said...

Dear number 4, remember that when you were 5 you were one seventh of my age, when you were 10 you were one quarter of my age, when you were 20 you were two fiths of my age...... now you will be half my age.... hahahahahahahahahaha

Lis said...

For Christine's birthday a few months ago her mom read her an excerpt from "Eleven" by Sandra Cisneros. Even though Christine wasn't turning eleven, and even though you're not turning eleven, it was still a great excerpt and I wanted to share it with you. It is as follows:

"What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday you expect to feel eleven, but you don't. You open your eyes and everything's just like yesterday, only it's today. And you don't feel eleven at all. You feel like you're still ten. And you are --underneath the year that makes you eleven.

Like some days you might say something stupid, and that's the part of you that's still ten. Or maybe some days you might need to sit on your mama's lap because you're scared, and that's the part of you that's five. And maybe one day when you're all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you're three, and that's okay. That's what I tell Mama when she's sad and needs to cry. Maybe she's feeling three.

Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one. That's how being eleven years old is.
You don't feel eleven. Not right away. It takes a few days, weeks even, sometimes even months before you say Eleven when they ask you. And you don't feel smart eleven, not until you're almost twelve. That's the way it is."

number4of5 said...

Dad...I think telling you that you left a funny comment on one of my posts may have been a mistake. Thanks for rubbing salt on my gaping open sores. Very funny.

Lis...this is so sweet, I love it! I do feel like an onion, well minus the smell anyway. I also think that on most days I feel somewhere between 11 and 12, in a good way. Those may have been my best years.

danvera said...

Hey there fellow Libra baby!
Yes. A day apart explains much Project Runway synergy. It's a good time to be alive and a great day to be born. May your birthday tomorrow be filled with great warmth. I did a little spelunking and found out you have some significant folks born on your day too:

1975 India.Arie (singer/songwriter)
1973 Neve Cambell (actress)
1969 Gwen Stefani (singer - No Doubt)
1962 Tommy Lee (singer)
1959 Fred Couples (golf)
1954 Stevie Ray Vaughan (guitarist)
1954 Al Sharpton, Jr.civil rights activist and minister
1947 Lindsay Buckingham (musician)
1941 Chubby Checker (Ernest Evans) (singer)
1925 Gore Vidal, West Point NY, author (Myra Breckinridge, Lincoln)
1916 James Herriot (veterinarian, author)
1900 Thomas Wolfe (author)
1873 Emily Post (Price) (etiquette authority)

Emily Post. Who else do you need. Post and Vidal and Wolfe make you unstoppable. Cheers!

carolyn said...

i loved this post. the first para was so sweet and philosophical, and then you totally brought it home in the following!! :)